BK: Yeah I’m familiar with that.
BS: Yeah, I’m from out there. Actually, my ex-wife went to Cornell, and when she was my girlfriend I used to stay at Cornell all the time in their dorms.
BK: So you’re familiar with Ithaca then?
BS: I know Ithaca well. I saw Don McLean sing American Pie there at the place called the Unicorn.
BK: I’m not familiar with the Unicorn.
BS: Yeah it’s probably not alive anymore
BK: So are you excited to be coming back to Ithaca?
BS: I’m really excited to do Cornell. Really, really excited. When they called, it was like a no brainer. ‘Cause, you know, it’s one of the coolest schools and I’m like an Ivy League whore.
BK: Alright. So do you mind if I ask you some questions?
BS: No, go ahead. You better.
BK: Alright, well…
BS: If you don’t it’s really gonna be…
BK: So, most importantly: What were you for Halloween?
BS: Well, I don’t do Halloween much, but last time I went out as Kobe. It was with a Sixers jersey and the handcuffs. The last time I was in costume before that I was with my ex-wife and we were the Rosenbergs. And we were handcuffed to each other and we had plans for the bomb.
BK: Plans for the bomb?
BS: I’m always persecuted if I’m gonna be in costume.
BK: Ah, I hear you.
BS: But my daughters were in costume, so I dressed up as Kobe and the Rosenbergs.
BK: How many daughters do you have?
BS: I have 3 daughters. 19, 17, and 13.
BK: Great.
BS: Yeah, it’s quite interesting. They’re pretty amazing, and with a lot of the stuff I do in my career, people are always asking me questions about that.
BK: How do they feel about their dad being Bob Saget?
BS: I think they’re pretty happy about it. They like me being me. The fame of it can be a little weird sometimes, you know, especially if people yell stuff out at me—like my line from Half Baked—on the street. But for the most part, they’re um…you know, like when I was on Entourage, I showed them a tape first before it aired to say, “This is your dad,” you know? They know I don’t hang out with hookers and smoke a bong. Well, the truth is I do, but I don’t want my daughters to think that. I don’t believe in hookers anymore because they all grew up watching me, so it’s just…it really is a cock block when a girl comes up and says, “Oh my god, you’re like the father I never had.”
BK: Or the father she wishes she had?
BS: Yeah, wishes she had. It’s really weird. It’s cool. It’s really nice, though. The people that would persecute me as a teenager are now my biggest fans. It’s very funny. So I’m going through a very happy time right now. I’m working my ass off, which is good, you know.
BK: Good. So that brings up a question: Who is the real Bob Saget? Are you Danny Tanner or are you the dick sucking coke fiend from Half Baked or what?
BS: [laughs] I think I’m a split of the difference. [laughs] I think um…it’s funny ‘cause everybody asks me that question and I’m not…you can’t raise children and be a coke fiend. You just can’t get shit done. But I’m definitely not Danny Tanner, although I have a neat house, you know. I don’t have like crap sitting everywhere. But you know, Danny Tanner…look, he made some dough. He did a local talk show but he didn’t have a maid. That show was a very unusual thing. I have a dust buster, but I only use it like if there’s pieces of glass on the ground and I have a bare foot, you know? But that character, even my own kids ask me if he was gay. I didn’t think he was, but it was my idea to make him a neat freak because I thought he could be like Felix Unger, you know, and the Odd Couple. We could steal from Neil Simon. Then I realized, you know, if you hug people a lot and you don’t have a woman and you’re a neat freak, you are…you know, odds are you’re in love with the two guys you’re living with.
BK: Yeah, raising a bunch of girls and a bunch of guys living together…
BS: Right. And they don’t even look like me. They look like Dave; they look like Joey.
BK: Do you ever keep in touch with your Full House cast?
BS: All the time. Constantly. Literally constantly. Like we go to dinner and we hang out. I have a girlfriend who has a…her name is Michelle. So Mary Kate, I spoke to her recently, and she said, “What’s your girlfriend’s name?” And I said Michelle and she said “Niiiiice.” You know, I have a very kind…most people don’t ever want to talk to the people they do a show with ever again. I guess they just, you know, already reached contempt. But we’re very, um…Stamos and I talk constantly. We all talk constantly. It’s a little weird, actually. ‘Cause you know, people from Saved By The Bell, they don’t go out together.
BK: Yeah, Dustin Diamond’s not doing too well these days.
BS: I think, you know, you do one porn and everybody’s talking bad about you.
BK: Yeah, it seems to be that way.
BS: He wanted to save his house. He sells t-shirts. [laughs] I mean, you know, people’s tragedy isn’t funny, but I’m a comedian, so you kinda…
BK: Well, it has to be funny.
BS: Yeah, I’m gonna go there no matter what. But I’m very lucky that all the people from that show were like, “I’m not protective of…” You know, ‘cause everybody always yells out, you know, things about everybody. They yell about Ashley and Mary Kate; they yell about Uncle John and Dave. I mean, whatever. It’s just…it’s kinda hard to make jokes about stuff like my family. We’re going to a restaurant, like all 14 of us, and people will like shit themselves. They’ll be like, “What the hell are they doing together?”
BK: You’ve got 14 people in your family?
BS: In Full House. In Full House there’s literally 14 of us when you have everybody and their appendages. It’s just like, crazy.
BK: So, I won’t tell them, but did you have a favorite Olsen twin?
BS: No, no, because it’s just like your own kids, and whoever you’re with at the moment, that’s whose ass you’re kissing. Like, I got three daughters and my oldest one is in New York at school, and when I’m with her she’s my favorite. I think it just goes that whoever you’re with, you realize how much you love them. As gooey and fruity as that sounds, it’s the same way with all the girls—Jodie and Candace and even Andrea is part of our group as Kimmy Gibbler. But then she’d come out to my shows, and one night I was thinking about her and she said, “Fuck you, Mr. T.” from the audience. So it’s like, that’s nice, I really brought up these kids great. But she’s cool. She’s got a baby—it’s mine. No, it’s not mine. But her husband’s a nice guy. And everybody’s got their life, but you know, that show is famous for those people. Everybody college age—it’s like what people grew up to.
BK: Yeah, it’s definitely a—I don’t wanna say cult phenomenon, because there’s more than a cult following. But everyone loves it.
BS: No, we really went to a place, and when we did it, you know—this has happened with almost everything I’ve done: Like, when I do something, it gets trashed. Except actually, except 1 vs.100. It’s like the first thing I’ve ever done that didn’t get trashed at the beginning and became instantly liked. But I’m sure it’ll turn. But now, people just dig it. People, even like edgier college kids that come see my dirty standup, will go, “Man, I like that show.” And it doesn’t bother me, and I’m being myself more and more because I’m not cursing. I can’t say fuck—but I said we’re gonna do this for “shiggles,” which is shits and giggles abbreviated. So I’m looking for code to help the people with my syndrome of whatever dirty tourettes I have. But like, people trashed Full House really bad when it started, and the video show, people really obviously trashed that with my jokes that were blooper show joke quality, which I wrote with two Canadian guys that I’m friends with. And now—it’s unbelievable now, and people will be like, “We loved it Bob!” And I’m like, “Really? Ok!” It’s amazing, sometimes you just accept something as you grow up on it. And it grows on you. And Full House and the video show with me on it have weird longevity. When they’re on cable and I’m looking at it, I go, “Oh my god, I can’t watch that.” I just can’t look at myself; it’s pretty scary.
BK: So did you ever actually find any of America’s videos funny?
BS: Yeah, the famous one was the one where the monkey scratched his ass and then sniffed his hand and then passed out. That video was on…they put it in an Austin Powers and it was all over the web. And I tried really hard to get that on the air; that was like my battle. The very first time I watched the show—it was whenever it was—they gave me 20 minutes, which became the first hour episode. And they still run a lot of those videos of the show now, with Tom Bergeron. They’ll still run the old, old ones. Probably so many things are funny. And I laugh because I’d never seen it. But the first one like that, Candid Camera was the one before it. And then this. And people would get hit in the nuts over and over again. And eventually I started to go, “I think that guy died!” I think, how could he have not died from that? And so then they went, “No, no he didn’t die. We have a release on it,” to help explain it. But I did find some of them funny. I turned it on the other night, and I saw some kid in some dangerous situation. And I guess if I was drunk I’d laugh at it, but I didn’t laugh at it because I was just like, “Geez, that kid. That’s really bad; they shouldn’t have taped it. They should’ve just helped him right away.”
BK: Yeah, I didn’t even realize that show was still on.
BS: It’ll never go off. That thing’s gonna be like—well, Candid Camera went off eventually, but they had a nice run out of it. You get a 30 year run out of a show. This show’s gone on how many years…like 15 years or something crazy.
BK: The thing’s gonna be like a soap opera and never go away.
BS: Well, I don’t know. People are always gonna get hit in the nuts.
BK: Well, yeah, and that’s always gonna be funny, obviously.
BS: Yeah, and it’s dramatic like a soap opera. And it can make you cry. But the girls aren’t as hot as they are on Telemundo; that’s all I have to say. Hottest women in the world are on Telemundo.
BK: Unfortunately they have fewer restrictions than we do in America.
BS: They’re usually bigger in the beam—that’s gonna read well. It’s just nice to have done other shows, and now with all the new stuff I’ve been doing, a lot of it has happened accidentally. I guess it started when I did Half Baked ‘cause I was directing Dirty Work, and a lot of people loved Dirty Work. And when I made it, it didn’t open right. It was pretty hard. It was like getting punched in the stomach ‘cause I worked for a year on it. And I’m really proud of it. The work I do, I do the best I can. People either love it or they don’t. And then the cameo I did on Half Baked was the thing that everybody liked. It was like a little PR campaign for “I was dirty.”
BK: Every college kid everywhere knows that line.
BS: Correct. And like, I got honored at Harvard. They put on a show there, and that’s kinda how my college stuff started. No one really understands me better than the college audience. It’s just the way I talk. And the way my standup is. I just love talking to smart 19-, 20-year-olds. They’re not done learning. They’re in the middle of it. And they might be stoned or they might be drunk or whatever the hell they’re doing, but that doesn’t matter because they’re still smart. I mean, it matters if they’re hurting themselves, right? There goes my campaign…but I just love the college audience, and it’s been crazy. I was at University of Central Florida a few days ago, and the place seated 5,500. And it was sold out, and they had another 3,500 trying to get in. They had to call the cops and everything. It was like a little rock concert. I’m at GW on Thursday, then I’m coming to you guys on Sunday. It’s really fun.
BK: So what’s something about you that most people would find surprising?
BS: That my penis is three feet long.
BK: Really?
BS: Yeah, I wrap it around my waist.
BK: Is that uncomfortable?
BS: No, not really. Unless I get hard.
BK: Do you have specially made pants for that or anything?
BS: Yeah, yeah. My pants are all spandex around the waist so that they can enlarge. No, if that was true, I wouldn’t be on tour. It’d weigh me down to the bottom of the pool. That’d be so hot. But I’ve been spending the last year working on this penguin movie, which we’re coming to the end of. A Warner Independent R-rated stoner movie. And so I read some press, and they’re all, “Ooh, it’s coming out on DVD.” And we knew that when things…when I did The Aristrocrats—we’re not The Aristocrats. We’re like a 17-year-old, 25-year-old stoner movie with a lot of cursing and a lot of…in fact, we got an R rating for just…it’s all stock footage of penguins. It’s all it is. You’ve gotta be pretty dirty to get an R rating with nothing on the screen that’s dirty except for some animals fucking—just a few.
BK: Must be some talented penguins.
BS: They are awesome. And they can’t bend at the middle; that’s one of our big PR points. And they only have one opening, which is for entry and exit. But in the movie, I fall in love with—it’s all voices. Sam Jackson narrates it. And Christina Applegate and myself and Lewis Black and Tracy Morgan and Mo ‘Nique are the main voices. And one of the conflicts of it is that Lewis Black is a penguin, and Jimmy accidentally enters Christina Applegate in the dark, and I don’t know that. She thinks it’s me. It just starts this whole Machiavellian thing, which is pretty horrific. And for some reason, I thought that would give it an R rating. But penguins don’t even have an anus, really. It’s just one unit. But we played it so as they had multiple openings. So that’s the reason why we decided to get it to as many millions of people as possible. Just carpet around the world with it on January 30. ‘Cause otherwise people are gonna be driving to the main theater in Albuquerque and art houses to see it, ‘cause we’re a low budget movie. And the website, you’re gonna wanna check out the trailers. Have you seen it?
BK: I haven’t yet. I just saw they were up today, so I’m gonna have to check that out.
BS: It’s farceofthepenguins.com. In about a week—‘cause right now it’s the R-rated trailer—the whole website’s coming up. It has a thing called Penguins Gone Wild. We’ve got people in penguin suits and bikinis doing what they do in Girls Gone Wild videos. And it just goes on and on; it’s pretty bizarre. It’s got some very funny stuff in it. I’m actually very happy with it.
BK: So you really went all out with this then?
BS: We worked really hard, like crazy. One of the behind the scenes on the DVD is me in Antarctica in front of a green screen and a parka telling how we abused the penguins ‘cause they wouldn’t cooperate. How we would inject them with adrenaline in their necks and kick them with nails on our shoes. So I think PETA’s gonna be…we kept mentioning that no animals were harmed, but you know, it’s an R-rated thing. The extras to the movie are not rated. That would’ve probably given us an NC-17 with some of the stuff I said.
BK: Are you gonna send a complimentary copy of the movie to PETA?
BS: Um, I think we should not. What’s weird is, though, there is footage of penguins—there’s only one section of it that looks a little like America’s Funniest Home Videos, where penguins are just being annihilated by tidal waves and stuff. So that’s the only part that does feel like, “Should I put this in the movie?” I didn’t shoot it, you know, but that doesn’t mean you should show it. But there’s no way you won’t find some hard laughs in it. It’s an unusual thing; no one’s ever done anything like it. It’s a complete movie made out of stock footage with a story that’s a love story. And Sam Jackson—Samuel L. Jackson is very, very funny. Everybody’s funny. I have a lot of nice people that did a lot of stuff for me. And then the other thing…what did I just do? I just did an episode of Law & Order S.V.U., but I don’t think Cornell students watch that.
BK: A lot of college students are into Law & Order.
BS: Are they? You think they are?
BK: Well, my friends watch it. I know I’ve never been very into it, but…
BS: Well, in a couple weeks I’m playing some weirdo computer nerd. The thing that’s coolest about Cornell is the food. They probably watch the Food Channel a lot ‘cause you’ve got amazing culinary stuff up there. I remember that very, very well. I also remember how cold winters are. I’m coming next week. How cold is it right now, like 30?
BK: Today was a surprisingly warm day. I think it was in the 40s. But it’s going down to the 30s in the next day or so, so it’s gonna be pretty cold.
BS: Greeeeat. I think the theater I’m playing is a really nice place.
BK: It is. You’re in Barton Hall. It’s a large place; it’s nice.
BS: Great. I’m having…I can’t even tell you. I’m doing Vegas; I can’t even tell you how much fun I’m having. It’s like weird. ‘Cause I used to do, you know…I’ve been doing this for like 30 years. It’s like crazy; I started when I was 17 doing standup. And I guess it just…I went on the road originally ‘cause I loved it, so I’d just do standup. And then I got TV shows. Then I wanted to direct, so I started directing stuff. There’s something about where I’m at right now, and I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna…I won’t do anything if I’m not having fun. I just won’t do it anymore. I just stop, ‘cause I’ve already done a lot of that, you know. So when I go up and do my standup, especially for colleges, I just have such a huge and…again, it just sounds so gay to say it, but I have such a—gay in not the good way. You know, homosexual is a positive gay, but the negative gay is, “Wow, that was faggy.” And faggy in the negative way, not the positive way, which is a gay guy. Sorry. Anyway, I…what did I just see in the press that talked about “that was gay” and they got in a lot of trouble? Some big thing with some comedian; I can’t remember.
BK: Gay rights parade?
BS: No. I got caught in traffic in that thing. I would’ve been better off being in it than trying to drive around it. I would’ve gotten through L.A. quicker if I had been in the gay parade. Anyway, I just think that…I really appreciate the audience, like a lot. That’s why it’s just really fun for me to come in. The audience—it’s so funny, ‘cause they wanna hear about Full House, too, so I give them some behind the scenes of that. It’s really…I’m doing Vegas November 17 at Caesars. I’m doing the comedy festival and Jamie Kennedy is my special guest. We’re gonna actually sing the rap video, the “Rollin’ With Saget” thing that’s on MTV. So that’s gonna be another freak show. I’m very proud of that. I don’t do that well when the audience is too stoned. I need to really kinda be almost sober.
BK: Do you perform better sober or stoned?
BS: Oh, I don’t…I never do anything ever. I can’t even think. ‘Cause I talk kinda fast in my mind and what I do is all about being in the moment. And if I’m stoned in any way I couldn’t even—I couldn’t even have any booze. I was in Kalamazoo last week and they wouldn’t let me continue without drinking this beer. And I was afraid someone put their weiner in it, you know? And I just drank it. I had a sip of it. It tasted like dick, so I kinda thought that I was ok. As long as you know what it tastes like.
BK: So how much does feeding off the audience help you when you’re performing?
BS: Well it always does. And I change it in degrees. Sometimes I won’t interact with them as much and other times I’ll interact with them more. If they’re yelling shit out too much, I can’t get my work done. But I kinda go where they take me. That’s why I like playing places like Cornell where the people are just smart. You know, University of Central Florida is supposed to be a party school, you know. It’s not an Ivy League school. There’s 5,500 people in it; you could hear a pin drop. It was so cool. I was able to get out there and if I felt like talking to them, they spoke. And it was just…I got a lot of um…really nice, it just was a great vibe. And all my gigs have been like that. Like G.W., I’ll go to on Thursday. I did G.W. last year and it was just awesome. I just kinda waited after the show ‘cause I heard one of the Bush sisters was gonna be there. But she didn’t show up.
BK: Was she there?
BS: No, I don’t think she was. She was out with some dude.
BK: Do you have any plans to perform for the President at some point soon?
BS: [laughs] That was the best question I’ve ever been asked.
BK: Yeah, thanks.
BS: But I’m gonna do Puppetry of the Penis for him. I’m gonna [sic] out of my dick. I respect the president—not of America, but there’s other presidents.
BK: Presidents in general you respect.
BS: A lot of presidents. I respect the office; I think it’s a good way to go. I think it’s good to have an office to support. I just, you know, I don’t mean to make my political beliefs known, except your question was really funny.
BK: Thank you. So a couple years ago, Dave Coulier was actually doing standup here in Ithaca. And as far as Uncle Joey’s concerned, how many times did it take him to say “Cut it out” before you just wanted to smack the shit out of him?
BS: [laughs] Well the worst of the best was, “Is it made of wood?” You know, with Mr. Woodchuck. And the good thing is, I went to his house ‘cause he’s shooting some documentary that’s called “Cut It Out,” believe it or not. And I love Dave, so it’s kinda—I just love Dave, he’s like a brother to me. I knew him when he was 17, so I go way back with the guy. But what’s really funny is, I went to his house and Mr. Woodchuck’s face was ripped out by his dog. Completely eaten, and it’s the greatest thing I ever saw. It just…you know, you just wanna—“Is it made of wood?”—you know, you just wanna hear it talk like a poor handicapped person.
BK: Was this still while Full House was in production?
BS: No, this was a couple weeks ago. [laughs] This was literally a couple weeks ago.
BK: Wow.
BS: You gotta have your stuff from the show. I don’t have anything from the show, but um. [laughs] If you had a Mr. Woodchuck, wouldn’t you keep it?
BK: I would. Mr. Woodchuck was a very strong character, I feel.
BS: I think so. What’s your thing? What major do you have?
BK: I’m a writing major, actually. So I’m doing a bit of journalism right now.
BS: Mhmm. You wanna work for a newspaper; do you wanna go into the field?
BK: Uh, yeah, I mean, this is being written for a newspaper now. Obviously not all of it will be there, and with little censors now and then, but you know…
BS: Right. But I mean, is that what you wanna make your whole life out of is what I’m asking.
BK: Well, it depends. I’m also a scriptwriting minor, so I’m a huge film fan. So I’d like to do some film work.
BS: Right.
BK: I’ll see if I can write you a role some year.
BS: I would love that.
BK: It’d be great.
BS: I’m excited to see the Ali G. movie.
BK: Yeah, I’m seeing that Thursday night. My brother called me like over the weekend crying ‘cause he was laughing so hard.
BS: People said it’s like, it’s absolute genius. It’s one of the funniest things they’ve ever seen.
BK: I’ve never seen such positive reviews for a movie.
BS: The guy I just did Penguins with—he called me just now and said it’s maybe—he thinks it’s gonna be one of the biggest comedies ever made. And it’s just…it’s amazing. He said, “It’s not just a movie and a comedy, it’s a party.” He said, “You’re going to a party when you see it. It’s incredibly exciting.” He’s just a brilliant guy.
BK: He is. He’s absolutely hilarious.
BS: Yeah, he’s amazing. He’s amazing.
BK: So after you did Full House and America’s Funniest Home Videos, did you find it hard to get into a broader range of work since you were known as Danny Tanner and such a nice upstanding young man?
BS: Well, when I was done with those two shows, I kinda thought, “I’m not gonna be in TV for awhile. I’m just gonna stop.” And I didn’t pitch anything. And I went off. I directed a movie called For Hope, which is about my sister who had died of scleroderma, and it was a TV movie and it got really good notices. And I started getting, like, TV movie directing work. So I did, like, three TV movies back to back. And that was a couple years. They take like six months to do. And I was director. And then I—and during that time, too, I did Dirty Work, which was a year of my life. So I didn’t really care if I knew that people—‘cause when you’re on TV like a ton, it kinda…you have to hiccup after you’re on for a long time. If you go right into another show, you’re just like a whore, ‘cause you can’t even think, you know. And I was that character to people. And I only did standup around that time, too. And then a couple years later, I started pitching some shows, and I had one that got on the WB, but I didn’t pitch that. Jonathan Katz just hired me for that thing and I did it even though…it was a good show, but it was kind of a little dry heave and Full House-ish, you know. And then I did um…and then I tried to get a couple shows on the air and had different deals at ABC and Comedy Central, HBO, Showtime—they just didn’t go. The shows just didn’t go. And that’s the nature of the business sometimes. And then, you know, all of a sudden I got this hit show, this 1 vs. 100, and it’s just like a giant show, like overnight. Biggest pour in NBC’s had in like 14 years in that night when they put us on.
BK: How’d you get into that?
BS: They called me and wanted to meet with me. And I kept saying no to game shows. The people who do Howie’s show said we really wanna work with you and want you to host this show. And I said I don’t know. And they said, look, you gotta explain to the world the first couple times, and then after that you can fly. You can just make it up as you go. And you gotta do the game part of it. But it’s an hour show on primetime on NBC, and I called Howie, and Howie said how much he loved doing his show. And I said, you know what, I’m just gonna do it and I don’t care. If they’ll write to me, I’d be happy to do a show that a whole bunch of people can watch and really wanna watch…kinda get into it. And these shows tend to burn themselves out pretty quickly a lot of times. You know, I wasn’t looking at something to go 10 years. Who can watch that for 10 years? Even Millionaire is, I guess, five years…something like that?
BK: Yeah, it’s not the same without Regis, though.
BS: No, well she’s not—I don’t think they do it anymore. She went off and she’s hosting the Today Show now.
BK: That’s good to know.
BS: But I’m working on a bunch of other things. I’ve got a couple movie scripts I’ve gotta read as a director. I really love directing. I don’t really have any—a direction is kinda weird. I just kind of—doors open, I go through them. Doors close, I just walk away. You know, if people don’t like me, I’m like alright, ok fine. I can’t do negative anymore. I’m 50; I don’t wanna…if people wanna say, “You know what I don’t like about you?” I’m like, no, and I don’t wanna know. ‘Cause it’s just not good. What will that do for me besides make me think negative? So I just wanna make people laugh. And I love anybody who has that same—you know, like Sacha [Baron Cohen] doing what he’s doing with this movie. I mean all he wants to do is high art comedy, and I think he’s just…you know, I think that of a million people. I think maybe there’s a thousand funny people that they’re just great, you know. Like look at Jack Black, you know. He’s doing a Tenacious D movie. You know, that’s another thing. This guy’s just a great guy and he’s funny as shit. I was doing a benefit for my Scleroderma Research Foundation, and I called him and asked him to do a thing. And he goes, you know, I really don’t do standup, but you know what, here’s my address. And he gave a really nice donation. It was like…it’s just, there aren’t enough people like that in the world that are just great people, you know.
BK: Can you actually talk about your Scleroderma Foundation for a bit for people?
BS: Yeah, sure. It’s Scleroderma Research Foundation—sclerodermaresearch.org is the site—and we raise money. Every couple years, we’ll do about three benefits within those two years. And we’ve raised millions of dollars. I think it’s something like 18 million over the years that was funded directly to scleroderma research, like at John Hopkins—a lot of different centers. About five different centers that we fund. And my sister died of scleroderma when she was 47, and so, you know, it affects as many people as M.S. or cystic fibrosis or M.D., but people just don’t know about it. In fact, I’m actually gonna call someone now, who’s a pretty well known person, and who’s got a relative with it and I’m gonna try and hook them up. Usually I often send people to John Hopkins, just ‘cause there’s a Dr. Fred Wigley there who’s a rock star. And he’s got a center with a couple thousand people in it. And that’s how you cure a disease, by attracting a couple thousand people that have supposedly a rare disease. But it’s got like 300,000 people with it, so it’s not that rare. But I’ll be doing that the rest of my life ‘cause I’ve just lost a couple people to it. Another friend of mine, Sharon Monsky, was the founder of the Scleroderma Research Foundation, who I really loved. And that’s my deal, and just like one of the charities I do. I do as many as I can. I just wish they could combine all diseases and all things and just have one giant benefit and raise a trillion dollars, and then we could all get some sleep.
BK: Yeah, that’d be nice.
BS: It’d be great if I could take some of the money that people waste on crap and just try and help some people. Like if the government would help a little bit more, it’d be great. If they would believe that stem cell research is positive, and that’s something that the current administration is not very helpful in. And that’s why you got some senators that I talked with who can really help, but they can’t do anything. Their hands are tied.
BK: Alright. So what’s your favorite dirty word?
BS: Favorite dirty word…probably “poo.” And I’m just thinking off the cuff, ‘cause all the other ones I say frequently. But “poo” is one that—there’s not many that can make a 3-year-old laugh, or four. But if you say “poo”…I would say “poo.” I’m sure I can think of another one that’s really funny that’s dirty. Um, I don’t know. I know clinical. The things that make me laugh the hardest are—is vagina.
BK: Vagina?
BS: Penis, too. ‘Cause they’re both, they’re clinical terms. And the dirty words are right there for you. But penis and vagina is um…I always loved when I heard the facts of life, my mother told me that the penis goes into the vagina. And I asked her, “How does the man get it through his pajamas?” That’s what I asked her—I really did ask her that. And I was 16—that would be the operative joke. I’ve actually got another interview I have to do, but I’ll stay on with you if you’ve got things you really wanna cover.
BK: Alright, just one last question then. You did The Aristocrats pretty recently, and that was hilarious.
BS: Thank you.
BK: What comedians inspire you?
BS: Well, one of the first comedians I was obsessed with was Charlie Chaplain. And not a word was spoken, you know? I just went, “Here’s a guy making the world laugh,” which is kinda why I made some of what people might think are the lame decisions I’ve made in my career—you know, low brow comedy. “Why are you doing that kinda comedy if you could do this kinda comedy?” And I can’t answer that ‘cause I can’t figure out why I’ve done what I’ve done. But I would just watch Chaplain ‘cause he was just…he reached the entire world. It was just insane. And I loved other silent stars, too, like Harold Lloyd. And then I would watch the Marx Brothers a lot. And then as I got older, I fell in love with Woody Allen’s work. I just couldn’t believe it. And standup wise I loved everybody from Groucho to um…there’s really nobody that I didn’t love that was a standup. Standups for some reason, I just was drawn, I was drawn toward all of them—Steve Martin. I kinda started after he exploded into movies. And when I started the Comedy Store, I was working with the people I looked up to. I was working with Richard Pryor and I was emceeing the shows. I got to know Richard. And the first movie I did was Critical Condition, so I spent three weeks with Richard in North Carolina. And then Rodney Dangerfield was another guy I looked up to. And he put me in his first Young Comedians special on HBO with Sam Kinison. I became real friends with the guy. I officiated his funeral with all the comedians. I buried him with all these people who loved him—you know, as the old soldier of standup. And I love new people. I was working for the past eight years at the Laugh Factory in L.A., and a lot of different clubs where I would kinda work out my shit and gestate. So I would hang out with Dane Cook a lot. And people didn’t know who Dane Cook was. He performed actually—right before he blew up—he performed at my daughter’s high school. The graduation night, I kidnapped the senior class a couple years ago and brought them to the Laugh Factory, and the talent they saw, it was Jeff Ross, B.J. Novak, Jon Lovitz, and Dane Cook. And I hosted a show for them. They were like shitting their pants, 150 seniors. I just love standups a lot. I saw a guy the other night who’s been doing it for awhile, Jeremy Hotz, and he just killed me. He made me laugh so hard. And then I’ll, you know, be hanging out with Chris Rock. And Robin Williams has always been so amazing with my benefit. Billy Crystal’s a friend that I’m a fan of. His one man show was amazing. And I look at Brian Regan who doesn’t even curse. Just, he’s fantastic. Ray Ramano…you know it goes across the board. And then I love the people that are like the filthiest people that ever lived.
BK: Right.
BS: My one-in-the-morning show in Vegas is gonna be myself, Paula Bell, Jeff Ross and Jim Norton. And then Craig Ferguson is gonna come in and do a guest set cause he wants to curse, too. That’s just a filthy show.
BK: Have you ever gotten to work with Brian Regan? I absolutely love his standup.
BS: I just know Brian. We never worked together ‘cause the people that are out headlining are out headlining, you know, so you don’t end up on the same show. I would’ve done Comic Relief this year, but it’s my daughter’s birthday, so I’m coming back from Vegas the next day.
BK: Well, you’ve got your priorities.
BS: That’s where you would see a lot of those people. But Brian, he’s amazing. He’s an incredible standup.
BK: He is.
BS: And Carlos Mencia’s a friend. You know, a lot of these people were in my penguin movie, so a lot of the standups—Norm McDonald and Carlos and Dane Cook’s in it—a lot of people came in and did guest things for me. Whoopi Goldberg, Harvey Firestein…it’s just a great clusterfuck of people. Well, you should talk to Stacey and come back and say hey after the show.
BK: I will, I will try my best.
BS: Good, good. Try to. And um, is there anything else you need?
BK: One last important question. John Stamos or Dave Coulier: Who would win in a fight?
BS: Dave. Dave would win in a fight. ‘Cause John doesn’t wanna hurt his nose. He’s just perfect and he’s got too many women left. And Dave played hockey, like real hockey. In fact, he got in a fight once. This guy took a stick and hooked him in the mouth—this was only like five years ago…four years ago. He gashed his mouth open—he had 25 stitches—and with his mouth cut open he beat the shit out of the guy.
BK: Oh my god.
BS: He is—you would never…he’s a stud. He’s unbelievable. And he can skate like a real hockey player—he’s a hockey player for Detroit, you know? So that was an easy question. I wouldn’t fight anyone. I would just hire someone to come over and lacerate them.
BK: Oh yeah. Take the easiest way, I guess.
BS: Exactly. Eject them.
BK: So is there anything else you wanna add?
BS: No, I’m just…I’m really looking forward to this. And I appreciate your time.
BK: Oh, I appreciate yours.
BS: And I’m interested in reading. I have a feeling it’ll be kinda funny.
BK: Well, the one in the paper will probably be edited, but we’re gonna post the full thing online. We have a blog, so you’ll be able to see it there.
BS: Oh great. I hope I didn’t do anything too bad.
BK: Nah, it’s the internet. You can do anything.